Jamie Lee (00:00):
Welcome to Negotiate your Career Growth. I'm Jamie Lee, and I teach you how to blend the best of negotiation strategies with feminist coaching so you get promoted and better paid without burning bridges or burning out in the process. Let's get started.
Jamie Lee (00:15):
Hello. Hello, hello. I am so excited to share the special series of podcasts that I'm doing on how to get better paid. I know if you're listening to this, you have a desire to learn how to do this the smart way, not the hard way, and that is exactly what you're going to learn. You're going to learn proven strategies that have helped me and my paying clients improve their income, negotiate and earn tens of thousands more, sometimes hundreds of thousand dollars more in annual income. And in fact, this was a free, totally free event that I did earlier this year, and attendees reported back to me that they applied the principles and the tools that I taught them and ended up negotiating for tens of thousands of dollars more in their income as well. This is totally available and possible for you too. I'm so excited to share with you. You could actually watch the replay of this webinar. The YouTube link will be in the show notes. But for those of you who tend to be more auditory listeners and learners, I thought this podcast will be a great way for you to learn, apply, and generate new, bigger results in your career and in your life. I hope you enjoy, and if you like, please do share, subscribe, and enjoy. Hi,
Jamie Lee (01:41):
Welcome everyone. Welcome to How to Get Better Paid. You ready for this? You're gonna learn proven negotiation strategies that work for women. I have a lot of content that I'm going to share with you. I'm gonna just give you the best, the, the symbol, the most straightforward strategies that I know by for myself and with my clients actually works. It actually gets them better paid. So I wanna invite you to turn off your Slack notification, put your phone on silent mode, or you know what? Better yet, put it away. Sometimes I literally have a box behind me and I put it in the box so you can't distract me. And I am going to answer questions at the end, and I'm gonna stay for as long as I need to to answer everyone's questions. So rest assured your answer, your questions will be answered. Okay, so, uh, what else do I, um, oh, yes, this is being recorded. <laugh>,
(02:44)
Obviously you can see. So if you need to, uh, go attend a meeting or you need to go pick up your kid, uh, before the end of the training, no worries. I will make sure everyone who registered gets the recording. And one more thing that I wanna share with you. I have a lot of content, really good stuff. And if you are like me and you like to take detailed notes, um, and you just wanna be like fully present and fully focused on the content so that you can implement it, get better paid, have better negotiation outcomes, my suggestion to you, take screenshots of the screen. So you get a photo of me and you get the, the, the content on my flip chart. You don't have to copy it, right? You can just take screenshots. All right, let's get started.
(03:37)
All right, so this is for you, especially if you are a mid-career woman who likes getting things done, woman with a strong work ethic. And you want to advance, you want to grow your career, you wanna grow professionally and personally, and you wanna grow your income and you wanna grow your impact, but you don't wanna burn out. You don't, you don't wanna add more work onto your plate because you already are getting a lot of things done, and you don't want to burn bridges in the process of getting better paid, negotiating for yourself. Okay? This is for you. Now, why should you listen to me? Why should you trust this person here? My name is Jamie. Hello again. I have 10 years experience teaching negotiation skills to engineers, tech executives, HR executives, doctors, lawyers, bankers, et cetera. And where did I learn how to negotiate?
(04:37)
I've learned this from my mom, <laugh>. I am a daughter of an immigrant. I am an immigrant. Uh, we came here 33 years ago and um, I'm 40, so you can do the math, <laugh>. And my mom arrived in America with three daughters on her own, and she ended up getting a divorce here. She actually left a domestic abuse situation, and she still speaks English a lot worse than Margaret Cho's. Mom still broken English, still painting nails, still nail technician. But she ended up raising the three of us, three daughters all by herself, no support. I didn't have a rich uncle. Uh, my dad did not, you know, provide child support. There was no alumni association. I know some of you are here from seven sister, um, school, uh, the seven sister alum association, Smithy's, you know, Barnard. But my mom didn't have that. But even still, she ended up raising all of us, putting all of us through college.
(05:43)
And throughout this time, she was telling me and my sisters girls, you gotta speak up. You gotta ask for what you want. You gotta be brave. And of course, growing up I was a brat, and I would be like, no, I just wanna be liked by everyone. Yeah, okay, so, okay, thank you. Somebody's giving me a very helpful hint that she cannot see the entire, how's that? How's that? Is that better? Yes. Now you can see the entire foot chart. All right, so, awesome. So, um, if you have questions, I wanna encourage you to save them to the end. As a reminder, for those of you who just joined, I'm gonna stay as long as I need to to answer everyone's questions at the end. Okay? Uh, so where was I? Okay, my mom taught me. She said, girl, you gotta speak up. You gotta ask for what you want.
(06:43)
She was my self-advocacy trainer that I still have. She is my lifetime trainer. But I would pressure off, I'd be like, I just wanna be liked by everyone. I don't wanna be the one who's making weeds. I graduated from Smith College 2004. I, I got hired as a buyer, so it became my job to negotiate on the job. So I got on the job training, doing business negotiation with vendors. First I was buying steel coils, copper plates, and then later paper cartons. And I really enjoyed negotiating with these vendors and putting these deals together. So I learned that. But then I switched careers. I entered a hedge fund. I entered the finance field with no background, actually, I studied East Asian studies. Uh, at Smith I studied Japanese, no math and finance background, but because of my language skills, I got, uh, an offer to join an Asia based, Asia focused hedge fund.
(07:48)
And my mom had taught me to speak up. I had on the job training, business training, but when it came to negotiating for my own salary, I didn't know how I totally bund it because I didn't know the strategies that I am going to teach you today. And so I bund that <laugh>, and then I found out a year into this new hedge fund job, I was a junior analyst, that I was making 50% of the going market range. And that was the moment I realized, I really gotta learn this. I gotta learn these win-win negotiation strategies. I gotta learn the communication tools I need to have them in my belt so that I don't make the same mistake I just made. And that's when I sought out mentors. I started studying negotiation on my own. And I actually, uh, worked very closely with the founders of She Negotiates, which is the first company that existed to teach negotiation skills, salary negotiation skills, just for women.
(08:57)
Lisa Gates Victoria met Pinchon. They mentored me directly. And then I took those skills and I started teaching and hosting live workshops, facilitating interactive workshops all over the world. Kigali, Toronto, Tokyo, New York. Um, and, and I decided to take this and coach women one on one because I realized you can have the strategies, you can have the tactics, but unless you have the mindset with it, it doesn't always work. People don't always take the action. And so I wanted to make sure that women get to learn the women negotiation strategies have the communication tools and the self-confidence to get promoted and better paid without burning bridges, without burning out. And that's what I've been doing for the last five years. And here's what I have observed to be true in my 10 years of teaching negotiation skills, um, all over the place. Here is the truth. Okay?
(10:07)
Thousands of women around the world have gender reach gap compounded by self-advocacy debt. Yes, the gender wage gap still persists to 2022. It is a travesty that we're earning 80 cents to the dollar and much, much less. If you are a woman of color, especially black or brown woman of color. And yet it's compounded by self-advocacy debt. And what is self-advocacy debt? Self-advocacy debt is when you are underearning your own potential below what you want to be earning, what you can be earning, and you are overworking while under communicating your wants and your wins. Is this you? Because this was me when I was making 50% of the going market range. I had self-advocacy debt. I didn't, I didn't know how to communicate my wants and wins. So if this feels like this is you, let me know in the chat. Okay? So why do we struggle?
(11:18)
Why do we struggle? Smart, competent women with advocating for ourselves? And so many women come to me asking, what's wrong with me? I don't know what's wrong with me, but there is nothing wrong with you. There's just a really simple explanation. And I think it's how we've been educated, how we've been socialized, and our human brain being a human brain, okay? So many smart, competent women are well educated and in our, in our schooling, we have absorbed this mindset of I need to prove myself right? In school, you just follow the textbook and you get an A, you follow the syllabus, you get an A, you prove yourself with your report, you get an A, right? You didn't need to advocate for the value you bring. This is like negotiating for yourself, this completely foreign concept in school. And then we, we carry over into the working world, this, this mindset of I need to prove myself.
(12:24)
And it sounds so logical, and it sounds so, so virtuous to think I need to prove myself because of how we were taught to think in school. I call this pretty poison because the smart, competent women that I've worked with, when they think, oh, I need to prove myself 99% of the time, this thought makes them feel, I, I, I mean, I felt this way too. Feel inadequate. Like not quite ready, right? Not quite ready to speak up, not quite ready to ask for what you want. Quite, I haven't yet earned it. I need to prove myself, right? Pretty poison. You are already proven. You don't need to prove yourself. Okay? Socialization. What have people, your parents, your friends, what is media? What is marketing that we absorb, you know, all the time? What have they taught us about how to think about and how to talk about money?
(13:25)
And I think for many of us, we've been taught it's kind of rude. It's kind of rude to talk about money. And if it's kind of rude to talk about money, how much ruder is it to ask for more money? And then of course, when we think it's rude to talk about money, it feels hard. It feels difficult to negotiate for better pay. And then there is the brain. Our brain is wired for social connection. There is a primitive part of our brain that will fear social rejection. And it associates getting no, that rejection, it feels almost like death. It's like, we're gonna die. We're not, we're gonna be okay if you get told no, if you ask for higher pay. And they say, no, we can't. You're gonna be okay. But there's a part of our brain that doesn't know that, and this is why we struggle.
(14:15)
So then how does this show up specifically for women? These are the three most common pitfalls that I have seen over and over again in clients and hundreds of clients that I have helped. So first of all, because our brain is wired for social connection, and we have been socialized so many women, we've been socialized to think that we're supposed to take care of other people's feelings. How many, how many times have you said, oh, I don't want people to feel bad, right? That's comfort fallacy. Everyone should feel okay. No one should feel bad with my actions and my words. That's comfort fallacy. Here's another way. Comfort fallacy shows up when you think you should feel comfortable. And comfortable is what confidence is. So many people come to me and say, I wanna feel comfortable and confident asking for what I want. But comfort never arrives because of how we've been educated, because of how we've been socialized, because of our brain.
(15:24)
Okay? Comfort never arrives. So that's why it's a fallacy. But when we're in the fall fallacy, and we think everyone should feel okay, including myself, of course, you avoid negotiating for better pay. But then this is, this also shows up with Tiara syndrome. Tiara syndrome is when you think that just like in school, you should keep your head down, do good work, and then some benign, some very benevolent authority figure will place the tr on your head that they will reward you with an a, with a raise, with a promotion, right? Speaking up, asking for what I want. Oh, that's, that's not what a good princess does, right? Tiara syndrome is a myth. We do not live in a Disney fairytale. We all know we gotta put our own crowns off. But when we think that we should be keeping our head down and do good work, not make waves, we accommodate, we appease people, we accommodate people who ask things of us.
(16:27)
And then we don't ask for a higher pay. We don't ask for more resources. Like, okay, I'll just keep my head down and do the work. They should, they should know. But of course, the tiara never arrives. Perfectionist fantasy. So common in smart, competent women, especially women of color, I, we think, hey, if it's not perfect, if it's not an A plus, it's an f. I used to be a straight A student, so I really noticed in fifth grade, I got my report card at all A's, and I got one A minus, and I sat there at the, at the, at the desk and sort of beating myself out because like, oh, I got one A, and then in college I had one B plus. I was like, oh, P plus that, that's an F, right? And we carry that mindset into our working world.
(17:20)
And then, you know, <laugh>, somebody says, can't stand a, B plus <laugh>. B plus is amazing. B plus is amazing. See, when you can't stand a b plus, it's like it's an F, it's not good enough, right? We attack ourselves, we beat ourselves up. So then of course, we don't feel good enough to ask for what we want. And this tends to re like cycle over and over again. Avoid, accommodate, attack ourselves, avoid comedy, attack yourself sometimes when you attack other people, right? And this results in feeling like, I can't ask for what I want. I don't know how. So if you are wondering, oh, that sounds like me. Maybe that's me. Let me give you specific symptoms to look for so you know exactly where you are. Okay? So if you're in comfort fallacy, you don't make a decision on what you want or how much more you wanna make, because making decisions by nature is uncomfortable because of how our brains are wired.
(18:24)
We don't like making new decisions and we apologize. I, I know I said we, because I've been in all of them, <laugh>, I've been in all of them. I have apologize for asking for what you want because you think, oh, they shouldn't feel bad if I ask for something I want, they're gonna feel bad, and they shouldn't. But you're not responsible for anyone's feelings except yours. And when you're in comfort fallacy, your role doesn't grow, right? Cause growth, magic is outside your comfort zone as the saying goes, Tiara syndrome, you look down on bragging, it's in quotation marks. Because often when you're in Tiara syndrome, like you have a, I just want, okay, there you go. You, you have a, a distorted view of what bragging is. When you share your wins, when you share the facts of your accomplishment, when you give yourself acknowledgement in a public way, this is not necessarily bragging.
(19:25)
Bragging is when you, when you say, oh, I'm great. And you are not right when bragging is like being arrogant at the expense of another person. But when you're just sharing your wins, when you're just sharing the good work that you do, mentioning it, that's not bragging. But when you're interior syndrome, you keep your heads up, you're waiting for somebody to give you that promotion, give you that raise, and it never arrives. Perfectionist fantasy, you tend to overwork, you tend to overdeliver it. You're like, oh, I did this, but I don't know if I did it exactly right? So let me just do more and more and more. Or let me spend five hours on a deck instead of spending 15 minutes putting it together, trusting that I know what I'm doing, right? Perfectionist fantasy robs you of self trust. And this is how you end up spending more time, more work on your task, and you don't celebrate your achievements because you're like, okay, but I, I gotta, I gotta get another a plus to feel safe, feel good enough, right?
(20:28)
And especially when it comes to negotiating, asking for what you want, perfectionist people tend to give up before or at the first pushback. Sometimes they, they don't even try, right? Cuz they're attacking themselves, they're beating themselves down, and, and sometimes they give up because they anticipate pushback. And the anticipation of it, anticipation of the pushback, uh, triggers fear. And then, and from that fear, you don't ask be reacting to that fear, right? So here are some things that you should know. Comfort never arrives There. Go if it feels awkward, if it feels uncomfortable, if the number that you wanna ask for makes you wanna burst out laughing or even puke, you're doing it right. If it feels awkward, you're doing it right. TRS syndrome, never wait for it. Put your own crown on. Okay? You, when you advocate for yourself, it is the act, the very act of speaking up and asking for what you want is putting your crown on.
(21:42)
Okay? Perfectionist fantasy. Don't expect perfection. There is no perfection in negotiation. It's a conversation, it flows. Okay? And the first thing that you wanna do is start taking action. Small steps that you can implement today right away to break out of this all or nothing thinking. And that the steps I'm going to walk you through today. And let's also notice that this is a myth, it's a fallacy. This is a myth. It's a Disney fairytale. That's a myth. That's a lie. This is a fantasy myth, myth, myth. And today, you're here for the truth and this is the most important truth that you're gonna learn. So pay attention truthful.
Jamie Lee (22:34):
If you enjoy this podcast, come to jamie lee coach.com, J A M I e L E E C O A c h.com to get your free ebook. How to ask for a big pay raise and get it. And if you want expert guidance in your corner to help you achieve greater self-confidence and greater career satisfaction as you grow your skills in negotiating, leading, and influencing as a woman professional, I invite you to book your free one-on-one sales call with me to find out how executive coaching can help you do exactly that. The link is in the show notes, talk soon.