Jamie Lee (00:00):
Welcome to Negotiate your Career growth. I'm Jamie Lee, and I teach you how to blend the best of negotiation strategies with feminist coaching so you get promoted and better paid without burning bridges or burning out in the process. Let's get started. Hello. Hello. Happy holidays everyone. How is 2022 wrapping up for you? It is ending really beautifully for me. The last day of the year also happens to be the day I celebrate my birthday and gain a number in my age. So when I look back on 2022, I'm also looking back on the year that I was 40 40th year of my life was full of ups and downs, many tears of sadness. I'll tell you about that in a little bit. Many tears of joy, amazing wins, and so many countless failures. I've been taught to think about failures as the stepping stone to success.
(01:02):
So when I'm thinking about, yeah, I messed up, I made some mistakes and I've failed many, many times, I'm proud of them. I'm proud of having shown up. I'm proud of having taken risks. I'm proud of having built my stepping stones to the successes that I do want and will have in the future. And I'm so looking forward to turning 41 on December 31st. Yes, I am a New Year's Eve baby, and I'm looking forward to the new adventures of 2023. I intentionally share my age and I intentionally celebrate my birth publicly, my birthday, and my birth month publicly every year because I want to help more women embrace the mindset, or I guess you can call it a mantra that I've chosen for myself, which is that as I get older, I get healthier, I get wealthier, and I get hotter <laugh>, I know this is the total opposite of what society often teaches us to believe about getting older as women.
(02:14):
I was born in South Korea, I immigrated to the United States when I was seven. And if you know anything about K beauty, which stands for Korean beauty, uh, you know, there's this huge obsession, a fixation, a multimillion dollar industry, all about looking and staying young. And by the way, this is not an endorsement because to my mother's disappointment, I don't actually use any K beauty products, <laugh>. So no matter where you are in the world, in our global culture, youth is associated with desirability, especially for women. And so much of what we think about women and men and non-binary folks have been shaped by Hollywood or the entertainment industry by mass media. And what we see in mass media has primed us to think about older men as desirable, competent, alluring, sexy, and older women as invisible, unheard of. Often the butt of jokes, undesirable. And our beliefs, and by which I mean what we unconsciously assume to be true for ourselves, have been conditioned by what got drilled into our impressionable brains early in our lives, through media, through other people, through parents, through teachers, through our friends, and through repetition.
(03:46):
So I'm saying this to highlight that it's not our fault that we ambitious, smart, competent women unintentionally end up internalizing this bs, this BS being that becoming older equals becoming less desirable in the eyes of the world, and sometimes to employers, sometimes meaning less promotability. And I think the very first step in undoing the damage the socialization has done to our confidence and to our self-image is to become aware of the impact this has on us. Because when we internalize this socialization, this bs, it erodes our self-confidence. It diminishes our self-concept. In other words, we end up thinking less of ourselves. We end up seeing ourselves and our own future prospects as limited, as opposed to limit less. And I know this firsthand from once upon a time, despairing getting older, <laugh>, I've become wiser since then. And I've also seen the impact of this BS socialization in my own coaching clients.
(05:02):
So let me give you two specific examples. A few years ago I was coaching a 29 year old software engineer. She was a woman of color, very competent, very skilled, and she was gearing up for a promotion, but her confidence had been eroded because she was on the cusp of turning 30. And, and her brain space, her bandwidth was occupied with worrying that she was gonna be considered, quote unquote over the hill because once she becomes 30, she's gonna be over the hill. And so I just got curious with her. I'm like, what makes you think that this is going to happen? What, what is the cause of this thought process? And so she answered, oh, this comes from watching an episode of the sitcom Friends, <laugh>. There was an episode of Friends where somebody was made fun of, somebody was gonna be considered over the hill, a woman, of course, maybe it was Rachel, maybe it was Phoebe, because she was turning 30 and my client was 29 at the time, assumed that this going, this was going to be true for her too.
(06:18):
And we all do this. I know I've done it. So many of my unquestioned beliefs, so many of my limiting beliefs that caused me stress that, you know, eroded my confidence. When I really sat down and asked myself, where, where do these limiting beliefs, where, where is this really coming from? Like, oh, it's from movies, it's from tv. And, and then I get to ask myself, okay, if fiction is the root cause of my stress, you know, what if I can write some better fiction for myself, what if I become the author of fiction that I, that rules, that dominates my brain space? And I wanna give you another example. Recently, I coached a client who was 55 years old at the time of our coaching. And she was an SVP at a nonprofit agency. And at this time, she wanted to revamp her career.
(07:16):
She wanted to take a pivot, but her biggest obstacle was that she believed she was too old to make a change. No one inside her, inside of her organization. No one outside of her brain was saying that she couldn't hack it, that she couldn't, you know, take a pivot in her career that she couldn't become an entrepreneur. It was her own internalized ageism. She was the only person in her brain telling her that she was too old. And I said to her, too old for what? My client could speak, my client could type, she could write, she had full mobility in her body. And I know this is an aside, I'm kind of going off on a tangent, but even if you have a disability in your body, I have actually coached a blind client to negotiate for herself a deaf client. And neither of these clients were, were limited in their ability to negotiate their career growth because of their, their disabilities.
(08:20):
Okay? So that's, that's a tangent. But back to my client was 55 svp, and she's thinking, I'm too old to make a change in my career. The only thing in the way of my client's dream was her belief was the internalized bs, the internalized socialization, the internalized ageism, that she was too old. Her being 55 actually is not an obstacle. And I know this to be true. There are people, there are so many people who create new businesses, new career opportunities, new lives. After 50, Ariana Huffington got started with the Huffington Post Me, she was 55. Now Google this person, Ernstein Shepherd, Ernstein Shepherd, Google her, okay? She is 79 years old, a woman of color, and she's the oldest female competitive bodybuilder. And get this, she got started working out at the age of 56, 55 is not an obstacle. The belief that she's too old.
(09:33):
That is the obstacle. And a thought is my what was one of my favorite teachers. Louise Hay says, A thought can be changed. A belief is just a thought and a thought can be changed. Anyways, again, <laugh>, I know I'm repeating myself, but please do Google Ernstein Shepherd, 79 years old, look her up. I mean, she is my role model for healthier, wealthier, and hotter as you get older. Back to the point I was making, if there's any part of you that despairs the passing of time, if there's any part of you that despairs getting older, gaining an age, because you think getting older, especially as a woman, means you're gonna be quote unquote over the hill or quote unquote too old for your career dreams. I just wanna get on the soapbox and <laugh> scream this out loud. We have to stop this nonsense. It just doesn't make any logical sense.
(10:38):
Let's think about it logically. When professional women get older, we're growing our competencies, we're becoming richer in our professional personal experiences, which helps us become even better leaders, more empathetic, more wise. It doesn't make sense to diminish ourselves when we could be proud, when we could be showcasing the breadth and the depth of our skills that we've accumulated over the years. And when I say this, I'm imagining your skills, your breadth and depth of competencies, it, it's there. It's like they're jewels in your box of treasures that you've gathered over the years. And as the year pasts, as you get older, it starts to overflow. As we get older, we're becoming wiser about what actually serves rather than detracts from our continued growth, we're becoming choosier about how we prioritize our time, focus, and attention. We're becoming even better at negotiating our career growth, negotiating our lives.
(11:53):
Yeah, as we get older, it's possible <laugh> to get even healthier, wealthier, and yes, absolutely hotter. This is a mindset shift. You don't have to become a record breaking bodybuilder overnight. I know it took Ernstein Shepherd years to do this when she started at 56. You don't have to stop eating sugar or go cold Turkey on your wine drinking habit. You don't have to double your income right away. It's okay. It's okay for you to take some time on that. And very importantly, you don't have to change a wardrobe and dress scantily, <laugh>, or dress sexy if that's not your thing. By the way, I should add a caveat here. When I say hotter, I'm not just talking about physical attractiveness of, although of course when you become healthier, it can contribute to your physical attractiveness. But when I thought of this mantra, when I thought this mantra up for myself, what I had in mind was the kind of confidence, genuine self-confidence that just exudes.
(13:08):
It just comes out of your pores and you just feel so comfortable in your own skin that you become a natural magnet for the kind of admiration and respect that you do want, first and foremost from yourself, and then secondly from others. And when I decided on this mantra when I thought it up, it was just a few years ago, I simply decided to embrace it as a possibility in my life. There are endless possibilities in my life. And becoming healthier, wealthier, and hotter is just one of them. I practiced saying it out loud first to myself, <laugh>, and then in the company of friends. And yes, as you can tell, it sometimes feels a little silly, but you know what? Silly also has joy in it. And I leaned into the joy of just owning it. And this is available to you too, no matter how young you are, no matter what shape you're in, no matter what your financial status is for now, you don't have to change any of your material or physical circumstances just yet.
(14:25):
You can just simply entertain the possibility that you too can get healthier, wealthier, and hotter in 2023 in the new year as you get older. And in fact, you are also welcome to totally rephrase or rewrite this mantra to suit your own liking because new chosen beliefs are a personal thing. Speaking of which, let me give you my personal accounting. Let me tell you how I did get healthier, wealthier, and hotter. And I wanna wrap this up in the end, uh, with a post that I wrote, which I think is going to be really relevant to this topic. So healthier in all honesty, first half of this year, my mental emotional health were not optimal. <laugh>,
(15:17):
Just in full transparency, I'm gonna share that a friend said in passing that 2020 was like the year of coping with this global crisis, the pandemic. And 2021 was the year we all went out and did all the things because yay we're vaccinated. But then 2022 was the year that we felt the burnout. We felt exhausted from doing all the things in 2021. And you know, that sort of resonated with me the first half of this year, I was operating from a blind spot, a mental blind spot. And even though I teach women how to achieve sustainable career growth without burning out, I wasn't living in full integrity with what I teach. And so then of course, my mental health suffered, which led to emotional pain, and I experienced some of that emotional pain as chronic pain in the body. By the way, if this resonates or makes any sort of sense for you, I recommend, please do check out the Curable app.
(16:24):
This is not a paid endorsement, I'm just sharing with you because it helped me. Uh, the Curable app, uh, provides brain trainings, meditations as, as well as client studies to help you unlearn patterns of, uh, your brain, unintentionally repressing emotions or not handling emotional, emotional pain. And that leading to chronic physical pain. I downloaded the Curable app in the first half of this year, and I used it to help me cope and heal some chronic physical pain. And then in the last quarter of this year of 2022, I had a really painful uti. And if you're a woman and if you've had UTIs, you know what that misery is like. And then I also came down with Covid. So this time around the, uh, the last quarter of 2022, I applied the lessons I teach my clients. I doubled down on actually slowing down to let myself fully heal and fully recover, because you need your rest to be your best.
(17:38):
I am quoting my client Brandy Walton. And if you wanna hear more about or from Brandy, check out the previous episode. And I also, you know, double down on eating more nutritious plant-based meals that I made from scratch at home. And once I fully healed, once I felt I was okay, then I double down on working out. I love doing yoga, I love swimming, and now I feel stronger than before. Mentally, emotionally, physically I feel healthier. And it's not because I didn't get sick, it's because I did have pain again, mentally, emotionally, and physically. And then I gave myself grace. I gave myself grace to rest, to heal, to take care of myself as the main asset of my career, as the most important thing in my life. And it is the healing process that made me stronger, the healing process that actually led to me feeling healthier as the year is wrapping up.
(18:49):
So now let's talk about wealthier. Let's talk about money. I'm all about women making more money and closing the gender wage gap. You know it. And if this is something that you want to do, please do check out the Get Better Paid series episodes eight through 11 and also previous episodes, so many episodes about how to get promoted, right? So you can make more money. And at the same time, in the spirit of transparency and vulnerability, I wanna share that as an entrepreneur, as an independent executive coach for women actually made less money in 2022 in than I did in 2021. But, but in spirit, I feel so much wealthier. And here's why. Because the safety and the security that we have been taught to associate with money, to equate with money is actually safety and security are actually emotions that we create in the body.
(19:55):
And this is something I teach my clients. You can create any emotion independent of what is on your paycheck or what is, you know, showing on the screen, on, on according to your bank account. And this year, I intentionally practice this new belief, this new thought. I'm learning to separate my self-worth from the self-worth, from the money I make money, I have digits on a screen. I'll say it one more time. I'm learning to separate self-worth, worth from the money I make, money, I have digits on a screen. I started practicing this new sentence, this new thought when I was actually feeling quite low, not feeling confident about making money. And the real reason that I wasn't feeling confident was because I was unintentionally tying my self worth my sense of safety and security with the money I make. And we've all been taught to do this, right?
(21:06):
We all unintentionally do this. But what happens is that when you tie your self-worth sense of safety and security with money, there's so much pressure. And when there's so much pressure, this actually erodes your confidence, erodes your performance. So when I started practicing this new thought, I'm gonna say it one more time. I'm learning to separate my self-worth from the money I make money, I have digits on a screen. What happened was that this new thought, this new belief immediately created a sense of ease and lightness, a release from the pressure in my body. And when I experienced ease and lightness in my body, I started to feel a sense of this lilting joy. Like, wow, look at me. I'm learning to be in integrity with what I actually teach my clients. I teach my clients that they have value regardless of what whatever is happening in their bank accounts, even the office politics, what their boss is saying, right?
(22:13):
And I'm like, oh, I'm learning how to do that, how to separate my self worth from what's happening in the outside world. Yeah. And it was this joy that translated into confidence, into taking action, into leading workshops and webinars and teaching and providing the value that I have. And that value is what led to signing clients and signing clients led to me actually exceeding my revenue goal for the year. So independent of that, I feel really well resourced. I feel wealthy in my nervous system. I know it sounds kind of strange, I feel well resourced in my nervous system because I became healthier because I dared to slow down to give myself the rest I truly needed to fully heal because I taught myself, I walked myself into integrity with what I teach. And so that is what is leading to me truly feeling wealthy, wealthier than even before.
(23:23):
So if you are listening to this, and if 2022 was the year that you had to take a step back, if 2022 was the year you had to let go of your promotion ambitions for any personal reason, any physical, you know, your wellness or family reasons, if 2022 was the year you just had to sort of slow down to give yourself the grace you really needed, I just want you wanna let you know you are doing okay. There's nothing wrong with you. No growth line, growth trajectory has to be linear. It's okay for us to sometimes slow down to grow in different ways than, you know, financial or, or, um, we, we don't have to do it like anyone else is doing it. It doesn't have to be a straight line trajectory. You are okay. And finally, let's talk about hotter. Hotter, as I mentioned earlier, is really about exuding self-confidence and what's really at the root of self-confidence.
(24:28):
And he, I mean, there's so many different ways that I have been answering this question and will answer this question, but one crucial way that I've been answering it for myself this year, and one way that I've been teaching my clients is that at the root of self-confidence is a loving connection with yourself. And this is something that I really feel proud that I did for myself. And I want to encourage you to do so to help explain and tell you how I'm going to wrap up this podcast by reading you a recent post that I shared online. A loving connection with yourself helps you get back on your feet when you've had a career setback, a setback that was caused not by any wrongdoing on your part, but because folks in your organization haven't yet evolved past misusing authority and power or thinking beyond internalized biases against smart, competent women and women of color.
(25:31):
A loving connection with yourself is what opens up your capacity to acknowledge and appreciate the value you bring to the table. No matter what shitstorm is happening at work, a loving connection with yourself is what changes your relationship to money. So you courageously ask and receive more of it without settling for 70% of what you really want. A loving connection with yourself is what empowers you to redefine leadership in your unique shape, in your authentic voice, even if you are the only in the room. A loving connection with yourself is what heals imposter syndrome and quiets the voices of the itty bitty shitty committee in your head as you forge a new path as the woman in charge. And here is how to have a loving connection with yourself. Don't wait for the promotion or raise to get started. Don't wait for that difficult boss to change or the toxic culture at your organization to transform overnight.
(26:39):
Start now, this moment. Take your hand and place it on your heart. Take a deep breath in, exhale twice as long. Take a minute to acknowledge your grit, your efforts, your intention to do good and be excellent in all you do. No matter what, picking in HR or the YI guy and product set, no matter how you are wrapping up 2022 and starting 2023, give yourself the appreciation you truly deserve. Receive it from the only person who's appreciation truly matters. You do this repeatedly, and I promise you, you will generate the courage, the commitment, the confidence that makes you compelling and inspiring as the future VP advocating for your ideas, for your team, for yourself will start to feel like second nature. You will navigate your way through office politics and other workplace BS with your chin up. You will grow yourself, your income, your career with genuine sat satisfaction, not burnout. I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you enjoyed this podcast. I wish you a healthier, wealthier, and hotter new year. Talk to you soon.
Jamie Lee (28:09):
If you enjoyed this podcast, come to jamieleecoach.com, J A M I E L E E C O A C h.com to get your free ebook. How to ask for a big pay raise and get it. And if you want expert guidance in your corner to help you achieve greater self-confidence and greater career satisfaction as you grow your skills in negotiating, leading and influencing as a woman professional, I invite you to book your free one-on-one sales call with me to find out how executive coaching can help you do exactly that. The link is in the show notes. Talk soon.