Welcome to Negotiate your Career Growth. I'm Jamie Lee, and I teach you how to blend the best of negotiation strategies with feminist coaching so you get promoted and better paid without burning bridges or burning out in the process. Let's get started.

There are concepts that I find myself teaching over and over and over again to help my women clients get promoted and get better paid. I have organized some of these key concepts into a simple five step framework webinar that I'm sharing with you today. In this recording of the webinar, you're going to learn why so many smart, competent women all around the world struggle with advocating, negotiating, speaking up for what they want, as well as the three most common pitfalls that again, I find over and over and over again so that you can raise your awareness around them and sidestep them. You're also going to learn about three different types of value, how to distinguish between each type and how to grow your skill for articulating your value so that you can get promoted and get better paid. I'm gonna walk you step by step through the five step framework, all the way from taking stock of your contributions, building your self-confidence, building consensus, and all the way to making a compelling ask that will have your supervisor or your boss nodding their heads and thanking you for advocating and how to get past no.
So this is a lot of information insights that is distilling 11 years of my experience. I hope you enjoy, I hope you implement and test them out for yourself.

I'm in New York City. Hello <laugh>. I'm in the big Apple, and I've been teaching professional women how to advocate and negotiate for themselves for 11 years. I know I look young, <laugh>, but I'm actually 41 years old, and I've been a coach. I've been a one-on-one executive coach for seven years and counting, and I love what I do because what I do is I help women generate that self-confidence, self-belief, the conviction from the inside out. I blend both the mutual benefit negotiation strategies that I will be teaching you today with feminism and practical neuroscience to help women experience real change inside and outside in their careers. So the big question is, this one reads, why do we struggle? So of us struggle to advocate and negotiate for the career growth that we know that we deserve, that we know that we can do. And this is a very common problem I have.
You know, I, I got into this work because I struggled early in my career negotiating and advocating for myself. And I realized when I found out I was making 50% of the going range as a hedge fund analyst, I'm like, I gotta learn these skills. And then I was wondering, why do so many of us struggle? I have a few ideas in my 11 years of, oh yeah, this one's okay, going over here. All right, simple answer, socialization, gender socialization, cultural socialization plus the human brain. How we've been evolved as a species. How many of us have heard you gotta keep your head down and do good work? How many of us have been, have been told good girls stay quiet. They don't, they don't make waves. They don't stick their hands up. And you know, you shouldn't be selfish. You shouldn't tell people what you want.
You should ask other people, what do you want? Right? Take care of other people. Prioritize other people ahead of you. That's gender socialization. We've been exposed to this from a very, very young age when our brains are impressionable, and literally all of that socialization, all the things that we've been taught as children have become like default programming in our brains. And I just wanna add, it's not just women, right? We also have non-binary folks, and even some of my male friends tell me, they also feel the effect of this socialization. Like, you gotta take care of other people, right? Don't talk about money, right? Don't be, um, don't be too assertive, don't be too aggressive, et cetera, right? But the effect of this, this combination I have seen over and over again in this three pitfalls, especially for smart, competent women, as well as non-binary folks that I have had the privilege of coaching.
So the three pitfalls, I want you to listen and see if you recognize any of these pitfall symptoms for you. So the first pitfall, the smiley face, this is avoid, why do we avoid speaking up? Why do we avoid communicating our wants and our wins and advocating for what we want? It's this one says comfort fallacy. There's the fallacy that confidence is supposed to feel like comfort. There is the fallacy that everyone around you should always feel comfortable, and that it's somehow your responsibility to keep them comfortable, which already makes you very miserable and unhappy. Because when you think in comfort fallacy, that's when you avoid. That's when you don't speak up, when you under communicate, trying to keep other people happy, when you're like, Ugh, I don't feel great. And when you are waiting for comfort to arrive before you advocate, before you speak up, you're like, it's never arriving.
There's something, always something that's popping up that has me not feeling comfortable. So waiting for comfort for you, waiting for comfort, for everyone else is a losing gain. That's why it's called a fallacy. And often comfort fallacy is accompanied by this, which is also extremely common. This one says Tiara syndrome. Tiara Syndrome is something that negotiation scholar, Carol Flinger came up with. And Tiara syndrome simply means you're keeping your head down, doing good work, waiting for the tiara to land, which never arrives, right? This is the effect of like, if I keep my head down and do good work, somebody's supposed to notice someone is supposed to award me, right? With the crown jewels never ever happens, right? This is like something that you only see in nineties, Disney fairy tales totally outdated, totally like, no. Now, now we know better. We're like, Hmm, that's kinda weird.
That Little Mermaid never had a voice <laugh>. That was a little strange. Why? Why are all the princesses so nice and accommodating? But you know, they're always like the victim of their circumstance, right? So that's why I put a big X over tiara because this tiara never arrives. I remember I, when I was a young professional, I once came up with a plan that was gonna save this million dollar company, a hundred thousand dollars. I'm like, that's 10, 10% of their revenue. That's so much money. I shouldn't have to speak up. I shouldn't have to say I deserve a race. I shouldn't have to say, I would like a promotion. It's, it's so obvious they're gonna give it to me. Right? Guess what? No Tiara never. All right? And then there's also the perfectionist fantasy. Perfectionist. Fantasy is too common, too common among women, minorities, people of color.
We think that it has to be a plus, or else it's an f. It has to be perfect, even though in the workplace, so many of the things are not even written down. So many of the things are still not figured out. People don't know what right is, and you're like, I have to do it just right. I have to do it perfect. And so we end up attacking our selves or this combination, the frustration of comfort fallacy, the frustration of accommodating waiting for the tiara that doesn't arrive, and the self attack of being stuck in perfectionist fantasy as you just like, ah, this anger, this resentment, right? The frustration not advancing your career. Sometimes you blow up and you attack people who can't fight back. I know I've done this early in my career, right? You, you bring that frustration back home, right? And so how do we get out of this vicious cycle? And so this, let's just notice comfort, fallacy, tiara syndrome, perfectionist, fantasy, lie, lie, lie, myth, myth, myth, right? We have to break free. And the truth sets us free. And I wanna tell you truth, that might shock you, okay?
When you advocate for yourself, it is an act of reclaiming yourself, sovereignty, your ability to own your agency, your responsibility, the fact that you are the c e o, you are the chief executive officer. You are the queen, the king, the sovereign of your career. Because most of us, almost all of us, we choose, even though it sometimes doesn't feel that way, we choose to work. That means we have sovereignty, we have choice, we have agency. And when you own the fact that this is about reclaiming your control over your life, your career, your choice, then your self-advocacy can become an act of service. And I'm gonna tell you in just a few more slides, exactly how to advocate for yourself so that your boss, your supervisor, they're like, thank you. Wow, that was, I appreciate that. Thank you for speaking up. Okay. So as a reminder, self advocacy is an act of owning your self sovereignty.
So if you have, you have a tiara, you're welcome to put it on <laugh>. And when you do that, you bring value focus. Okay? What is value focus? There are three different piece to this value focus. And I wanna, I, the way I drew it here is to emphasize that each leg of this glowing pyramid has to stand on its own, but also they're in conjunction when they're together like this, three separate lines connected. It is powerful. It is as powerful as a pyramid. Okay? So what are the three Ps? I'm just gonna put this down for a second, right? First and foremost, let's re remember that all of us, no matter what your gender, what your title, what your I identity or your status or your income, we all have personal value. We are all created with non-negotiable value as a human being. This is something that I fundamentally believe in, that our fundamental value as a human is non-negotiable.
It is sacrosanct, and it should not be confused or conflated with the other two piece. And so often when we conflate or confused with these other two piece, that's when we feel like I don't know how to negotiate, I don't know how to advocate for myself. Okay? So what's the second P? The second P is professional value. Your professional value, the value you create with your skills, your contributions with your efforts have nothing. It can be in conjunction, it can be an, um, add-on, right? But it's not the same as your personal value. Your net worth is not your self worth. Your income is not your self worth. Your salary is not about what you are worth. Your salary, your pay is not about what you're worth, because that's just infinite. We're just building upon what is infinite here, okay? But we always forget the therapy, and this is where too many of us get caught off guard because we have never been taught how to create and shape the perception of your value. What is the perceived value?
Like no one in my school ever taught me that, right? How your value is perceived is the value that you are often rewarded for, uh, promoted for in the workplace. And I do it in this way to help you see, it is something that you can create, just like professional value is something that you create every day by simply showing up to work on time. And when you don't know how to see how to perceive your own professional value, how can you help other people see it? Right? And so often when we're in that previous trap of the perfectionist, fantasy, comfort valley, CTRs syndrome, we have zero idea. We're not seeing this at all. We're not seeing this clearly, and therefore, we, we don't know how to shape and create this. So let's talk about how to do exactly that, right?
You want to take stock of your professional value, right? The first standing leg so that you can shape your perceived value. The third leg of the pyramid, okay? And what I drew here, I know it kind of looks like tar target practice, but it's actually a delicious German roll cake. Have anyone, uh, here tried [inaudible] Okay, it, it looks like this except, you know, it doesn't have this like black and white cookie in the middle. It's just like rolls of cake that yeah, you cut it in the middle and that's what you see. Okay? And two, often smart, confident women we're focused. We're hyper-focused, we're sort of myopic, and we love to like think about what just got done and what still hasn't gotten done. We are sort of missing out when we are just like hyperfocused on what just got done. What still needs to get done?
We're missing out on the full cake. Yeah. Because we wanna think through what is the immediate benefit of what you got done? What just became possible? Who benefited? But then beyond that, you wanna go a step further and ask this question again. What else becomes, what else will become possible? Who else will be impacted? What goals will be driven further by what you're getting done? And that's why you do want to keep a log. I, this is really solid career advice for anyone who is preparing ahead of a career conversation, professional, uh, development conversation or performance evaluation. Of course, you wanna keep a log of your wins. What is getting done? Accomplishments, praise, receive for sure. But you wanna, again, zoom out. Don't just stay here, zoom out and ask yourself what else became possible? And then ask it again. What else will become possible in the future?
How will this drive company goals? What's most important to my employer, to my supervisor? And how is what I'm getting done helping to drive that goal? Take for example, I coached a client who is a mechanical engineer, and she was really good at coming up with these like MacGyver like solutions to problems. And to her that's just like, you know, it's just a day's work. But I'm like, okay, pause. What else becomes possible? She said, okay, we're able to tell the c e o that we met our deadline on time. Okay? But what else becomes, what is the beyond benefit? Okay? Now the c e O will be able to tell the investors that we're reliable. And when we're reliable, we can raise more money with investors who want to invest with reliable startups. That's the beyond benefit, that's the bigger goal. So when you are making your list, always keep in mind what is the bigger goal that this will help drive, even if that is a beyond benefit, even if that is something that becomes like, uh, possible not just immediately, but in the future. So let's practice. All right?
I wanna encourage everyone here to think about what is the key action. This one says, what is the key action that you do in your work at mystery is so that this beyond future benefit, that is speaking to the bigger goal. Yeah. What is it that you do? Or what is it that you are, right? Maybe you are the bridge or maybe you are the key communicator. Maybe you are the problem solver, right? So that, you know, most companies want to grow revenue, save money, right? And increase its reputation. Okay? So here are some examples from my own clients. I bridge the gap between science and business needs so that we can stay ahead of the competition. I write code that delights our best customers. And this is a win because when we delight our best customers, we retain revenue and we retain revenue, we have higher profit margins, okay?
And here's why this is important. When you know how to articulate your value in this one simple sentence, you are gonna feel ready, you're gonna feel a little bit more confident when you go to network, when you go to sit down with your stakeholder or decision maker to ask for the thing that you want. And I'm gonna show you exactly how this fits in to a bigger, uh, framework script that I'm gonna walk you through in just a little bit. So once you have taken stock of your value, I think a really key step, this is something that I help my clients do day in and day out, is like, what is the future that you want? What do you want that future to look like? And I drew it in this way, like it's um, like a game plan, right? Because we know that life is not linear.
Career journeys are not linear. There will be obstacles. It might feel like an up and down, but eventually you gotta figure it out. You gonna get there. You gonna arrive at where you want to be and you want to ask yourself, what do I want that finish position to look like? What specifically for me would signal growth? Because not, not everyone wants to just get like promoted and better paid. You know, that's not always growth for everyone. For some people it is about having a better work-life balance. For some people it is about being able to communicate in a way that is more aligned with who they really are. It communicate in a way that is truly authentic but also brave and strong. And when you think about that, you also wanna ask yourself, how do you want to be in this journey through the journey of navigating your career growth?
Because how you are in this journey is how you will be when you get there. We have this myth in our culture that once you achieve a certain success metric, or once you get to some title and some dollar amount, then everything's gonna be great and you are gonna be feeling amazing forever and unicorns and daisies. But we all know that less for about 10 seconds before we revert to how we have been, right? And so you wanna be intentional about how do I wanna be throughout this? Yeah. And while you have that in mind, remember that self-advocacy is also an act of service. It is not just, um, selfish, it is not just about you. Especially when women, non-binary folks, marginalized identities. You know, when you grow, you help lift that the playing field for everyone, right? Rising tide lifts all boats and therefore decide that you are in control.
Like all of these questions, you get to decide how you answer them. You are in control of how you decide what your growth is. You get to decide how you want to be, how you want to feel. You get to decide that your growth is about something that inspires growth, spurs growth of others as well. And that's why you put your crown on. And remember that this isn't just about perfection, right? We're trying to bust the myth of the perfectionist fantasy. We think, oh, it's gotta be a certain way. I know I'm gonna walk you through a script, but keep in mind it is something to help you think about the framework. Think more about why I'm suggesting this particular script, rather than it has to be exactly in these words. And also, when you advocate for yourself, when you speak up, when you negotiate, you either learn or you win. That's it. You learn, you gain information, you gain insight. You, you gain experience from which you always learn or you get what you want. Or sometimes you learn and you win, which is even more amazing. Okay? So let's keep going.
When you advocate for your career growth, you're going to plan to have several conversations. There is this myth that we just have this one and done conversation and don't just say yes and I won't ever have to do this ever again cuz it's still producing. But no, it's actually a series of conversations that you engage in intentionally. And I have several script prompts. I have more scripts that you can, uh, get on my website as well as on my podcast. It's called, uh, negotiate Your Career Growth. And here are the key things that I want you to keep in mind through the series of conversations. This is a process you want to identify who actually makes the decisions around here. I used to work at a tech startup before I became a coach, and I reported to the C o o, but really the c e o made all of the key decisions.
And there was also the C F O. But yeah, the CFO F consulted the c e o ultimately was the c e o's decision. So the c f, the c i I reported to both the C O O and then C F O at a different company. So I reported to stakeholders who were important and who were also influencing the decision maker's decision making. So I needed to have conversation with the stakeholders, but I also needed to keep in mind who the real decision maker was and be able to provide information or frame my ask in a way that would help influence the decision maker's decision. And you also want to engage early and often. I typically say, think about this whole process. It's like a process that you engage in at least weeks, at least months ahead of the formal conversation. So it is not too late.
Start now. And you may also find out, like if, if you do find out that decisions have already been made by the time you go to have, uh, your formal conversation in March, think about how do I start seeding? How do I start planting the seeds for what I want in September for what I want later this year? Okay? You're gonna start that process now. And you do this, it's super simple, right? You start dropping these anchors. Anchors just means that you're telling people what you want. I'd like to be considered for promotion at this company. You know, I'm invested in growing here. I'd like to know what it would take for me to become X or Z. Okay? And so you start opening the conversation for more information, more exploration with curiosity. Start early and do this. Often people, these decision makers, stakeholders, they tend to be busy people and they don't mean harm, but sometimes they're overwhelmed, they forget, right?
So you just wanna remind them. The more often you remind them, the anchor becomes heavier and it sinks deeper and deeper, right? Which means that you, um, you have created leverage. And also don't stop there. Gather insights, gather information from real folks that you do know in your company, in your industry, or people who, who support you. You wanna cultivate allies of all genders, males, you know, females non-binary. Because you want to, um, be able to be seen as the person who is capable of doing the job by more than one person by, by the folks who make the decision behind closed doors. Cuz often those decisions are made behind closed doors. Often they're made by a committee of folks. So you wanna be able to, uh, leverage interdependence in your workplace. And here are some, uh, potential scripts that you can use to do exactly that.
You can seek out people that you know, whether they're loose tie or weak tie or strong tie. Seek out people that you know, who have already gotten promoted into the role with. Maybe that's senior director, maybe that's vp. And ask them, Hey, what was that process like for you? What did it take for you? What advice do you have for somebody like me? And I know, um, you find out, you all know that you wanna look up salary data, right? You wanna look up salary data on Google Pay scale 81 cents.com. These are great resources. But also talk to people and ask them, Hey, I'm thinking about this promotion. Do you think a $30,000 raise is reasonable? What do you think would be a reasonable pay bump? I think that's a great question because no one has to expose any salary information. You're just trying to find out what do they think, what's, what's their, what are their thoughts about what's a reasonable pay bump?
Okay? And also, um, I have a, I have several clients who work in the tech field and some of them are engineers and they find themselves to be the only woman in the engineering team. And so I had one client who actively sought out, sought out and cultivated her male colleagues to go to bat for her, Hey, when you see something that's technically skilled, would you please put in a word for me on the public, uh, slack channel? And that really helped her expedite her promotion, um, process. Okay? I am going to field questions in the end, but we are gonna move on to the main part of this. How do you make your ask really compelling? And every time you think about how do I make my ass really compelling, I encourage all of you to draw this three circle. Yeah, draw the rings and then ask yourself, what's the sweet spot?
How do I address the sweet spot where all these three key things are addressed and make sense overlap. So here's the general framework, okay? And again, don't be married to exactly the words. Think about why I'm presenting it to you in this order and think about how you can rewrite it in your own words, in your own voice. Remember we talked about how value is, like we think like it's about like what's getting done, but actually there's the impact, the beyond benefit and how it's driving the main goal, the big picture goal. So you wanna be able to articulate what is that big picture goal? What is the goal that we share that we're all working towards? I understand our goal is to do x, make more money, engage customers, increase retention, reduce costs. Yeah. This is what we're working towards. And number two, this is your professional value. So you know how to articulate the connection between your value and the shared goal, right? What I bring to the table, my ability to work on data science projects is going to help us achieve this shared goal. This is a great question to ask. Would you agree I'm adding value here?
And if you and I trust that you have, cuz everyone who shows up to these kinds of, you know, webinars, like you're ambitious and when if you're ambitious, you care about your work. When you care about your work, you do great work. When you do great work, you're adding value, right? And so when you have done this, when you've articulated, Hey, I know our shared goal, I know the value I bring will help us achieve it, of course they're gonna say yes. How could they not? Awesome. They're already bought in that you're adding value. Now you say, I'm glad you agree, I'm so glad we're on the same side. That's why I like to ask for what I'm asking for because I like to be compensated according to the value I bring. I like to have my performance, you know, appraised according to the value I bring, right? And I'm confident I'm, I'm sort of riffing on this. I'm also confident that these additional ideas, these new projects that I'm going to, uh, lead will bring even more value to the organization. And then you say, what are your thoughts? And then you shut up. You don't add anymore, you don't apologize, you don't backtrack. You let that silence just sink in, right? Silence can be a confidence marker as well. Okay? So any questions about this before we move on?
All right, let's go. So some of you might be asking, okay, that's really good and great Jamie, but what if they say no? What if they say anything that is less than an immediate and enthusiastic yes, that's in my mind, that's a bit of a professional fantasy. And I recall I had that too. I'm like, I just want them to say yes and then it's just gonna be so much better. But the reality of the workplace is you're going to encounter, you know, some complications. Uh, there's some budgets and timelines and other people and committees involved, right? So you may not get an immediate and enthusiastic yes right away. Sometimes they do happen, but some, sometimes they don't. And if they don't pat yourself on the back, you spoke up for yourself, right? You advocated, you flex that muscle. Like in my mind, self advocacy is a muscle.
And the more you flex it, the stronger it gets, the stronger it gets, the more easier it becomes, right? And whatever the reason is, it's not about you. There's no, or anything that's less than an immediate and enthusiastic yes, it's not about you. It has nothing to do with your personal value. Remember that it has nothing to do with what you are worth. And it could just mean not now, ask again later. And sometimes this is literally happened to me. I've asked for, um, a salary that was 25% more than what I got initially paid. And when the tech startup I was working on raised, uh, series A funding, they, without asking for more information, without asking for anything from me, they're just like, here it is. And they just gave me the 25% raise. It was a $20,000 raise, right? So it could just mean not now.
But if you anchor and if you continue to anchor early and often, often, often they remember and they're, when they're able to give you what you want, sometimes they do, right? And most importantly, if it's anything less than an immediate and enthusiastic yes, if it's a version of a no, this is just an opportunity to get curious, not furious. And you do this by my mentor, Lisa Gates taught me this. You form your mouth into a w So w meaning you ask a question that start with what, how, who, when, where, not, oh, you don't think I deserve a raise, right? That's, that's not it. That's not a w question, that's a closed ended question. An open question is, okay, you know, I'm just curious. What are your concerns? Or, you know, you could also ask, how can we work together to make this happen? You could ask whom do we need to include in this conversation?
If you are not the ultimate decision maker, when are budgets set, right? So that you know how to front run that budget decision making process. You could also ask, Hey, where are we in agreement? And I'm curious, where are we in this agreement or where might there be some confusion if you're not really clear on the value I'm bringing here? And this is the last question, why sometimes, um, I, I don't always recommend you start a question with why. One person I talked to said that every time she's asked a question that starts with why it makes her wanna eat <laugh>. Um, so just think about how do I form a question. Again, I have a totally free script that you can download on jamie lee coach.com. I also have more scripts and um, uh, negotiation advice that you can get totally for free on my podcast, negotiate your career growth.
And I provide lots of different examples of how you can use this strategy. And ultimately, here's what I'm offering. Often we confuse negotiation with like this harsh interrogation when we conflate our self-value, our personal value with our professional value. But remember, they're not the same thing, right? Personal value, non-negotiable professional value is something we create and that we get to shape our perceived value through our intentional language and decisions. And therefore, if and when you encounter any sort of pushback, you wanna think about it as how can we stand side by side, not face to face, side by side to problem solve. Okay? So with that in mind, I just wanna do a quick time and check. Awesome. I wanna make sure we have time for q and a. I'm gonna do a quick recap. Here's why this process works. Number one, you take stock of your contributions, right?
And then you zoom out to look at the full slice of that cake so that you unbias yourself. When we're in comfort, fallacy, perfectionist, fantasy, and, uh, tiara syndrome, were biased against ourselves. So we unbias our view, our perception of the value we bring. We decide how do we want to be in this process? What is the growth we're going for, which activates your self-confidence and will help you remember that you are the sovereign of your career and you have several conversations. And by doing so, you build bridges and more bridges that you have. Even like weak ties. The more known you are in your workplace, the more known you are in your industry, the higher the perception of the value. Because these are how human brains work. The more we see it, the more we think it's safe, the more we think it's safe and familiar, we're like, oh, that must be good. Right? Become seen, become known. Just have conversations and then you make your as compelling. And when you do this, you demonstrate your leadership, you demonstrate, you understand what is the big picture goal. You demonstrate how to get buy-in, you demonstrate how you're forward thinking and you get curious, not furious when you encounter no, which helps you get past it.
So that is the training. With 15 minutes, I will open the floor up for questions. And uh, as I do that, I'm gonna remind everyone if you wanna dive deeper, the script, the podcast that I mentioned available here. And I also offer consultations for those who want to dive deeper, who want to do this work with an expert in their corner. It's a free consultation, 60 minute consultation for people who want to have a coach, who want to consider having a coach to help them, um, help them go through the process from one through five with ease and with confident.

If you enjoy this podcast, come to jamie lee coach.com, j a m i e l e e c o a c h.com to get your free ebook. How to ask for a big pay raise and get it. And if you want expert guidance in your corner to help you achieve greater self-confidence and greater career satisfaction as you grow your skills in negotiating, leading and influencing as a woman professional, I invite you to book your free one-on-one sales call with me to find out how executive coaching can help you do exactly that. The link is in the show notes, talk soon.