Jamie Lee  0:00  
Welcome to risky conversations with Jamie Lee. I'm Jamie Lee, and if you're wondering why risky conversations, that's because everything worthwhile is on the other side of a risky conversation. I'm an executive coach for smart women who hate office politics, and I help them get promoted, get better paid, without throwing anyone under the bus. This six part series comes from my live workshop the promotion playbook for smart women in male dominated industries. You're going to hear the exact tools and frameworks that my clients have used to land promotions, increase their pay and grow their influence, plus real coaching moments and real success stories. Today, in the first part of the promotion playbook series, we'll dive into the three myths that I see holding back even the smartest, hardest working women, and how to start dismantling them. Let's dive in. I do want to talk a little bit about some key principles that I have seen recur again and again in my 10 plus years of helping smart women who don't like office politics get promoted, get better paid. I have been teaching self advocacy and negotiation skills, particularly, you know, specifically towards women professionals for oh boy, since like 2011 it's been a long time and I work predominantly with women who work in male dominated industries, tech, finance, engineering. I've had some clients in medicine, life sciences. I mean, when you think about most high paying industries, they tend to be male dominated, right? AI startups and in my work, I've noticed that regardless of what my clients chosen field or specialty is, they they all experience barriers, their external barriers, of course, sexism, racism, right? Bias, I mean, all this stuff is very much real, but there is also often internal barriers, obstacles that we often don't even realize that we are encountering until you have a conversation with a neutral third party sometimes, like myself and I started pointing them out, like, oh, did you notice this? Did you notice that they're like, no, oh, now some things are starting to make sense. So I want to share with you some of those very common internal often, like our blind spots that can hold us back from confidently advocating for what we want and securing the promotion and the pay increases, okay? And then I want to tell you about about three key actions that every single client who has successfully gotten promoted and better paid. I noticed this, the three key actions are always doing this, even if they are the only woman in a male dominated field, or they the only woman executive in a near male executive suite, right? And my wish for today is that you know, it will provide some insights for you, you know, you know, unlock some, some new perspectives, right? And here's another thing I want to share. It's never like this, one specific thing that works for every single person, right? Because every single person is inside a very unique ecosystem, a very unique environment, and every single person is experiencing her career through her very unique, you know, set of perspectives and beliefs, right? So that's why in my coaching practice, I like to take the bespoke approach, and I work individually, one on one with my clients. Because not you know, what am I trying to say there? There are overarching themes that recur in every single client who does achieve her career advancement goals, but it's never like this one specific thing, you know. So it sounds a little paradoxical, but it's like, how do we approach our career advancement with a broad perspective, with with wisdom, but not getting like, locked into, Oh, I must do this thing right? Because when we think I want. Do this thing, or you said, lots of criteria or conditions for how you can experience you can achieve your career growth. Then, then what most often happens is that whatever conditions or criteria you set for yourself, you notice how often those criteria and conditions are not being met. And so even if, like, 90 or 95% of the time your life is going well, you're achieving, you know things are going well, you have a job, you know your your your needs are met, but if there's 5% that's not being met, you're like, Oh, you're like, This is not good, right? And I know I have a tendency to fixate on those things, because I'm, you know, just like my best clients and and I'm kind of rambling here, but the point I'm trying to make is, how do we approach our career growth, our career advancement with both flexibility, adaptability, but also this, I know to be fat, that millions of women just in the United States, and I have clients abroad. I have clients in Europe and Africa, and sometimes I work with people in Asia. So, you know, 10s, if not hundreds of millions of women globally. We do know we have a tendency to under advocate for ourselves. We have a tendency to under communicate our wants and our wins. And I know that around the world, women, girls and women were taught to do that. It's not like there's something wrong with us. We're just operating the way we've been conditioned, right? And we have a tendency to over commit. And I know that to be true for a lot of people who are in my in my audience, people who tend to gravitate toward this work, who think about getting promoted and better paid, we have a tendency to over commit. We have a tendency to over function. We like, we like to go, go, go, get shit done. But while being under recognized and under promoted, according to this one study that was mentioned in Indeed, only 43% only four out of every 10 women feel that they advocate for themselves enough. So that means the vast majority, about 60% of women, feel like we don't advocate for ourselves enough. We don't talk about what we're doing well, we don't talk about what we really want for ourselves because we don't want to seem greedy, we don't want to seem pushy, we want to be light. We feel like we haven't earned it yet. Yes, I have been there, done that, all of that myself and why? Why is that

Jamie Lee  7:50  
in my work as an executive coach and negotiation trainer for professional women, for 10 plus years, I have noticed that these are the most common pitfalls that we tend to fall into. So this is a lot here, so let me walk you through one by one. So the first one is Tiara syndrome. Tiara syndrome is what I also like to call the 90s Disney fairy tale, myth. It's like if you keep your head down, if you just stay good, right? But also in the Disney fairy tales, you also have to be beautiful and thin and almost always white, right? That's in the Disney fairy tale 90s. If you keep your head down and do good work, then you'll be rewarded, right? So you don't think, oh, it you know, I should speak up, I should go to bed, I should be my own champion. Right? In those fairy tales, the champions are the night in shining armor, some dude, right? So Tiara syndrome is something that negotiation scholar Carol frollinger termed, and it's, it's the tendency for some people, not just women, to assume that if they keep their head down and do good work, that a tiara will magically fall on their head and they'll be rewarded with the recognition and the money and the praise and resources that they really want. In other words, it's a fantasy. It's a syndrome, right? So when you're when you're captivated by this fantasy, this tiara syndrome, of course, you avoid speaking up, because good 90s Disney Princesses don't do that. They just stay good and quiet, right? And there's also moving down this, you know, three, eight triangle, there is the comfort fallacy. This is kind of an extension of that Disney fairy tale I need to keep people around me happy and comfortable. I'm thinking about Beauty and the Beast and the beauty And the beauty, you know, she makes. She makes the the little critters and the birds and the squirrels. She makes. Everyone else happy and comfortable, right? She makes the beast comfortable. She makes her father comfortable, but her own comfort. No, she'd rather be locked up in a dungeon Castle, right? I need to keep people around me happy and comfortable. That's how I stay safe. If people around me and I'm always scanning, right? Scanning to look at the micro expressions of people around me to ensure they're okay before I feel safe enough to say something. And I know that's something that I have experienced, because it's this is sort of like a symptom of my people pleasing tendencies. And I also know people of color, women of color, people of marginalized identities. We have a tendency to do this too, always scanning to make sure that other people are okay with us, right, that they don't see us as a threat, right? But when we're doing that, then we of course, fall into the tendency of appeasing other people, saying yes when we really want to say no, not setting boundaries right? Because that you know you you can't keep other people happy and comfortable all the time. If you set some boundaries, say no, ask for what you want. Perfection is fantasy. We're going to the other side of this triangle. I kind of mentioned at the beginning of this. I was talking about, like, sometimes we have a tendency, especially when we're driven and vicious, like, we like to do things well, we love to get done. We have a tendency to be like, I gotta get to this. I gotta get this. I gotta get the straight A's. I gotta floss my teeth every night, and never have to feel an emotion that feels weird and awkward in my body, and I have to get all my reports done on time, right? All these criteria, like very specific, rigid criteria, is an extension, is a symptom of perfectionist fantasy that if I don't do it perfect, if I don't get an A plus, right? That's my perfectionist fantasy right here, because I'm looking at my style and like, there should been a plus after that a it's like, if I'm if I'm not getting an A plus, then I'm not good. Like, I have coached women who are high achieving, right? They're they're getting promoted, they're advancing in their career, and they said such high expectations for themselves that it's so hard, it's nearly impossible for them to try something new and different, right, speaking up, asking for a promotion, asking for support, right? Because the thought is, if I mess up, then I'm a failure, then I'm no good, right? I coached a client who, again, she had a great track record, and she was having trouble, like taking new action, right? Initiating conversations, building relationship, like all these things that do help you get promoted. And I asked her, What if you just set a standard so like you could do B minus work. It doesn't have to be perfect, right? B minus work, because your B minus work is most likely other people's a level work. And she said, No, I can't do B minus work. B plus maybe, B plus maybe, but I can't do B minus work. But the thing about perfectionist fantasy is that you know this is really common, especially if, if, if, like, you know that you can do more than other people, so you have a tendency to set even higher standards for yourself. And when things get hard, I literally just coached another client on this. When things get a little bit hard and it gets harder to get or to maintain that high level of productivity or quality, then you end up attacking yourself. You start beating yourself up. You start hearing the voice of your inner itty bitty, shitty committee really loud and persistently, and this is very common because, again, this is a function of social conditioning, gender socialization, right? So then, how do we get out of this? How do we get out of the three a trap? How do we stop avoiding conversations? How do we stop appeasing and saying yes all the time. How do we stop beating ourselves up right when we are actually doing more than the regular Chad? How do we do that? So here are my suggestions. Just notice first line from myth to action, first line right. Let's notice that everything on this slide, Tiara syndrome, perfectionist fantasy, comfort fallacy, they are miss their fantasies, the lies, right? They're very compelling lies of our society that have been conditioned in. To us so that other people can benefit, right? So it's like, let's just see it for what it is. We've been taught myths, right? And it may have benefited when our parents, when we were really, really young, and our parents just wanted us to stay in line and not get hurt, yes, but now, as high performing professionals, we have to recognize, okay, some of this stuff we can unlearn. And Tiara syndrome to unlearn. Tiara syndrome, I I want to suggest this antidote. When you advocate for yourself, it is and when you advocate for yourself. Well, right? When you advocate for yourself with preparation, with the intention of like, here's how things can improve, not just for me, but for you and me, self advocacy becomes an act of service. Is the very opposite of selfish and greedy comfort fallacy. I want you to consider, if taking action for your promotion, for your career advancement, feels awkward, you're doing it right. You're going against the grain. You're going against a millennia of Gender Socialization where women were considered, you know, at one point, we were considered property, not even human, right? So if it feels awkward like for you to go against the grain. You're doing it right? Perfection is fantasy. Learning from one messy conversation is 100% maybe I should add an extra zero there, like 1,000% better than no conversation, no learning, right? Because I know everyone here who joined this live and who are watching the replay. You You're here because you enjoy learning, you enjoy growing yourself, right? And we do know from neuroscience that the brain remains plastic all throughout our lives, even if you are 59 even if you're 69 right? Your brain doesn't stop, you know, creating new neural connections. You know, brain remains plastic throughout our lives, so we're here to enjoy that process of learning. And when you think about, you know, putting yourself out there, advocating for what you want, it's just another extension. It's just another way for you to learn and grow. You know, we can drop that perfectionist fantasy, because we learn the best from not doing it perfect and then learning from those mistakes.

Jamie Lee  17:35  
These myths are powerful, but once you see them, you can begin to dismantle them in the next episode. In part two of this series, I'll walk you through the exact framework my clients use to move past these barriers and accelerate their careers. Thank you for listening to the promotion playbook series here on risky conversations with Jamie Lee. If you found this episode helpful, please leave a five star review on any of the podcasting platforms on which you are listening to this podcast. Past listeners have shared that these free workshops, free podcasts, have helped them get hired, get promoted and get paid more. Your review helps other people, other women, find the 100 plus free podcast episodes, and if you come on over to Jamie Lee coach.com that's spelled j, A, M, I, E, L, E, E, C, O, A, C, h.com, you can also access 100 plus free articles I've written on leadership negotiation confidence for the ambitious professional women, until next time, please keep advocating for yourself and remember advocating for yourself is not selfish. It is an act of service.