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Hello. Welcome back to risky conversations with Jamie Lee. I'm Jamie Lee, and I'm an executive coach for smart women who don't like office politics, and I help them get promoted, get better paid, without throwing anyone under the bus. And in risky conversations, we talk about the hard things, the hard inner work, as well as the hard external facing work behind bold leadership. Today, I want to share a coaching insight that has inspired several of my coaching sessions with women of color leaders. I coach several women of color leaders who are very ambitious, very high achieving, highly competent. They set themselves extremely high standards for excellence, and today I am going to talk about something that can feel like the riskiest move imaginable.

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This is the idea of quote, unquote, dropping the rope. If you are, like my clients, if you have spent your whole career proving yourself, outperforming expectations, exceeding other people's underestimation of you, and holding everything together despite racialized scrutiny,

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then dropping the rope can feel like, Ooh, no, that might not be safe. And I will explain what I mean by that.

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And this is because for many of us, I'm including myself here in this pronoun us, winning, proving, being right, working as hard as you possibly can have become survival strategies in our fractured and broken world, our nervous systems have been trained to believe if I don't pull harder on this metaphorical rope,

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then I am not safe. So in this episode, we're going to explore why dropping the rope feels risky, how to know when you're in this tug of war, what happens inside your body, how to make the decision to, quote, unquote, drop the rope, as well as exact words you can say in that moment as a woman of color leader encountering racialized scrutiny and bias. So let's talk about that invisible tug of war

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when you're a high performing woman of color in a leadership role, often you don't even realize you're in a tug of war until your body tells you, let's say you are the CEO or a CXO of an organization, and you're asking you're negotiating with your board, With the decision makers, who who are basically your employers, right? And you give them data, you're showing consistent results. You're expecting partnership and support, but instead, you get nitpicks. You get vague criticism, you get tone policing, you get silence, or you get circular conversations that go nowhere. I have a client, for example, who is a high achieving,

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you know, highly competent woman of color, leader, and she gets vague feedback that somehow she needs to make other people around her feel better, even though her actual measurable performance is always meeting or exceeding expectations, and because she somehow hasn't yet mastered the skill of emotional labor, she gets passed over for a promotion. And it is maddening. It is really frustrating,

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and it is totally normal. If you encounter a situation like this, and your brain goes to

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maybe I should explain it differently. Maybe I should do more, maybe I haven't done enough. Maybe I should soften the tone or add more context, or maybe I just didn't prepare enough.

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But your body below the neck, your body knows the truth and your body speaks. Your jaw tightens, your breath shortens. Your shoulders creep up. Your chest feels hot. Your chest feels tight.

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Your voice speeds up or gets louder, and you notice that you try to overcompensate by over functioning, doing more.

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And that's how you know when you're in this invisible tug of war and the rope, this metaphorical rope. You know the rope. You know we can think about it as if it is your sense of worth or even your sense of safety, and that's why you feel like it's so important to hold tight and keep tugging at this rope, because what feels to be at stake is your identity as someone who must be flawless to belong.

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When I was an employee at a tech company, I used to say this out loud. I used to say out loud, because I am a woman, I have to work twice as hard. And yes, I was one of the few people of color at that organization. I was one of the few women in that organization. And I remember literally saying out loud this belief that in order for me to belong, in order for me to be okay, yeah, duh, of course, it's a given. I have to work harder. I have to be flawless. Did I feel burnt out? Yes, did I stay long in that job? No, because I was tugging so much at this rope that I just Yeah, I just burnt out. In the end, for many women of color, pulling this metaphorical rope, working harder, being more prepared, being unassailably right and good and excellent has been the only way to survive environments that are shaped by bias and white supremacy. And so we learn early, being excellent is how you stay safe. So the idea of letting go, not pushing, not proving, not tightening this grip on this metaphorical rope can feel like danger, because your nervous system is saying, If I don't pull, I will lose if I don't pull, I look incompetent. If I don't pull, I'm going to confirm their bias. If I don't pull, everything will fall apart.

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But here's the quiet truth

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that you probably already know. You can pull and pull and pull and still not move the other side, not because you're doing anything wrong, but because the other side isn't pulling the same rope

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for them, for other people who tend to be in the dominant in group within these organizations, they're pulling their unconscious biases. They're unconsciously, unwillingly, unwittingly. They are willingly but unwittingly pulling their fears, their blind spots, their need for control, their comfort. They're holding onto comfort with status quo, with ambiguity, with inconsistent standards and no amount of force on your end can change that can solve that. So let's talk about how to decide to drop the rope. So if I haven't made it abundantly clear yet, what I'm really talking about are these instances when the conversation at hand isn't necessarily about

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key drivers of shared mission and goal, like what we're really talking about isn't what's essential to what needs to happen to keep the organization moving forward. Sometimes we have conversations with people in positions of authority and power about how you are being perceived, how you get acknowledged and recognized for your work, right? These are the moments where I noticed my women of color leaders tend to struggle with dropping the rope.

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And dropping the rope does not mean giving up on being excellent at what you do. This is far from that. Dropping the rope means recognizing when the tug of war is unproductive and maybe even unnecessary, right,

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and then making a conscious decision to stop letting it drain your energy.

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So you know, this might sound really counter intuitive for many of my listeners, because I am all about helping women get promoted, get better paid, and you think, but do don't.

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To fight, don't I need to advocate? Do I need to take a stand? Don't I need to, you know, stick up for myself. And what I'm suggesting is that you can be very judicious of when, where and how you advocate for yourself. And what I'm suggesting is a energetic shift, so that when you do advocate for your contributions and for your future growth, it's not coming from this energy of needing to prove yourself

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right. This is when we tug on that rope and try to fight an unwinnable war, but instead you get choosy about how you present yourself, and it's not like you're tugging on a rope. You're actually you're offering a future vision of further growth, right? So the positioning is different, the energy is different, the framing is different. When you advocate for yourself, right? And you give when you drop the rope, you make a conscious decision to come from a grounded, authoritative energy, and not this energy of life. But I need you to know that I did a good job, and if you don't approve, then I am going to feel horrible, and I need you to approve of me.

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I hope you can see that distinction in that explanation. So let's talk about dropping the rope. I want to offer a five step simple framework. Number one, we have to notice. We have to just notice the gripping

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and and when I say gripping, I mean that, not just metaphorically. I mean that somatically number one, notice the cue, and the cue is your own body. Where is the tension in my body right now? Why do I suddenly feel pressure to explain or justify myself. What am I trying to win that feels like it's really unproductive, like just this exhausting, exhausted energy that I can already perceive that lets me know that I'm trying to win the argument and not the bigger picture.

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And once you have noticed that you my clients, almost always tell me they feel that tension in their chest and their throat and their body and their gut, right, and they feel the anger rising. So then that's when we move to the second step. Breathe intentionally. Take a deep breath in

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through the nose and exhale twice as long out your mouth. Do

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it one more time, deep breath in through the nose and

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feel your lungs expanding

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on both sides, not just your you know, not just your chest rising, but you're expanding your lung capacity laterally and again, exhale twice as long.

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And that can be the simple nervous system down regulation tool that you put in your back, in your pocket, and you use whenever you need it, and if you want to add additional nervous system down regulation tools. I mean, I teach those in my coaching practice. I also have additional tools that I've shared and demonstrated on my YouTube channel, so I will link to some of those in the show notes. So breathe intentionally, the most important thing, and exhale twice as long. And what this does, it helps to down regulate, and also down

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down the tempo to reduce the heart rate, so your heart starts to beat slightly slower,

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And then after that, then you ask yourself this question, you make a micro decision. In other words, how angry do I want to be about this or and do I really want to keep pulling on this rope and and what do I foresee that I can get that I that I'm really after, right? So the questions are intended to help you regain your sense of agency and sovereignty. How angry do I really want to be about this?

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And what am I really wanting to get out of winning this particular conversation, right? And let's say you ask yourself, How angry do I really want to be about this? And if you could scale that between zero to 10, you notice it's four or less. You're like, okay, let's just drop the rope immediately, yeah. And you ask yourself, what am I really wanting to get? And if you have a good sense, your.

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Self Awareness is high, and you can notice, oh, I'm trying to win the argument for the sake of winning the argument, and that doesn't really have a real impact that I

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know is necessary for this team, this organization. Then you drop the rope,

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you use your discernment, your judiciousness. And then the fourth step is, lower your voice. Slow your speaking pace intentionally. Try to lower your shoulders as well. You shift your body as well as your own voice. And this is very subtle, but powerful, powerful women. Executives do this often, and what you're doing is you are anchoring yourself

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in your own grounded authority. And what you also do is you entrain the aural, a, u, r, a, l, the auditory neurons of people around you to your frequency, to your down regulated frequency, and so they can help but notice the shift. And so you become more influential when you do this, especially when you're have when you're in the middle of having a heated conversation, lower your voice, slow your pace, then state your position clearly once, and then stop tugging,

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then stop trying to win the argument, then stop trying to prove yourself, then stop trying to be and do more, more, More. That's it. Number one, notice the cue. Number two, breathe intentionally. Number three, make the micro decision, do I want to keep pulling, or do I want to drop the rope, lower your voice, slow your pace, and number five, state your position clearly once and then stop tugging. So let me give you some scripts. Let me give you some concrete scripts to use for dropping the rope. Number one, here's what you can say when you've been asking and pushing for clarity and it's not coming.

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Instead, you get more questions. So you say

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after having taken the breath and after lowering your voice, you say, I hear the questions. I will proceed with

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x, x being my decision, unless the board provides different guidance. In other words, you say, Okay, I hear it. I hear everything that's an interesting perspective. Here's what I'm going to do.

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So you provide you be the clarity, and if other people are nitpicking or derailing the conversation in a different direction,

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then you can say, let me anchor us back to the desired outcome based on the approved goals. Here's the direction I am taking. So bring back, bring back the conversation, and then tell them where you are going to go,

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and if expectations are shifting in the conversation and it's starting to drive you mad,

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then you can again say this to drop the rope. If expectations have changed, I welcome updated direction. Until then, I will continue with the approved plan, again being grounded in your sovereignty and your authority when someone pushes your emotional buttons, this happens a lot for people of marginalized identities.

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You could say something like, I'm clear on my recommendation. I'm clear on where I stand on this. I will pause here,

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and if microaggressions show up and you just want to keep on, keeping on and moving forward. You could say something like, I'm confident in the data and the direction I've provided. I'll move us forward based on that. Again, state your decision and drop the rope. And when they want a tug of war, they keep pushing or nitpicking.

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You could just say, I have shared my perspective. I am complete. I will let the board discuss next steps. Yeah. And so these phrases, all they do is

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state your clarity, be grounded in your authority. Refuse to over, explain and signal emotional boundaries and remove you from the tug of war entirely. You're no longer pulling, you're leading, and you're being grounded. And what can happen? What can change when you drop the rope in this.

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Sway.

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It's totally normal and expected that this can feel strange and awkward, maybe even scary, but the moment you drop the rope, one thing becomes very obvious, the whole situation starts to feel lighter, and your mind clears, your body loosens, your neck and your shoulders starts to go down, your voice steadies and your confidence becomes something that is generated from within you, instead of being conditional on people who are operating out of their biases. And you remember, you don't need a you don't need to win a tug of war to lead, you don't need to talk at all. What you need is clarity boundaries and a regulated nervous system, because from that place, your leadership becomes steady, grounded, incredibly influential and powerful, and you start to develop skills of self trust that you can take with you, whether you decide to stay where you are or go somewhere else, where you and your leadership are. Celebrated. If this resonates with you, I sincerely hope that you take this skill, this framework, into your next meeting, your next board conversation, or your next high stakes conversation with a decision maker or a stakeholder, your difficult interaction, notice the rope, notice the pull, and know and remember you have choice. And if you'd like to learn more about my one on one bespoke executive coaching series where I guide my clients through this in detail and customize it for their unique specific situation. Come on over to Jamie Lee coach.com/apply

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my name is spelled j, A, M, I, E, L, E, E,

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and coach is spelled C, O, A, C, h.com/forward/apply,

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A, P, P, L, y. So until next time, I really appreciate you being here. Thank you for having the courage to lead in ways that our ancestors could only dream about. Thank you for being here and thank you for considering different ways of leading that works for you and is not about conforming to someone else's idea of how to be a leader in charge. Thank you for having the courage to lead in ways that is supportive of your nervous system, of your your holistic well being and not just burning yourself out. So thank you, and please remember until next time that you're empowered, you're grounded self advocacy can be an act of service.

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You can also access 100 plus free articles I've written on leadership, negotiation, confidence for the ambitious professional women. Until next time, please keep advocating for yourself, and remember, advocating for yourself is not selfish, it is an act of service.