5 Key Phrases for Leading and Advocating

Jamie Lee: (00:00)
Welcome to Negotiate your Career Growth. I'm Jamie Lee, and I teach you how to blend the best of negotiation strategies with feminist coaching so you get promoted and better paid without burning bridges or burning out in the process. Let's get started.

Jamie Lee: (00:15)
Hello. Hello, Badass people. How are you? I am loving September in New York. I know there are songs about it. It is gorgeous, it is beautiful, and I feel fabulous. . The other week I gave a negotiation webinar for 75 women executives at Hearst Health, and this week I gave a group coaching session for the Smith Business Network. I'm a Smith alum and I had the amazing privilege of leading this coaching session for about a hundred of Smith alums. And in the hearst health negotiation training, I walked the women executives through three of the most common pitfalls for women pitfalls that hold women back from speaking up, from advocating for themselves and negotiating and getting the growth that they want. And I want, I walk them through how to take stock of their contributions so they can fully assess the value they bring, advocate for it, and don't undersell themselves.

Jamie Lee: (01:27)
And then I also taught them a really simple, repeatable framework for asking for the career growth that they do want in a way that makes it a no brainer for the other side to say yes. And if you've listened to my previous episodes, if you know about me, you know that I'm all about women celebrating their wins. I'm all about women feeling proud on purpose and owning our accomplishments. And for that reason, I'm going to walk the talk I give and proudly share some of the positive feedback that I received from participants. And no exaggeration, every single feedback was positive. Here's what they typed into the Zoom chat at the end of this negotiation training. We need to hear this daily. Really made me step back and think, Thank you. This was truly rewarding. This has definitely been enlightening and brings a new perspective to self advocating.

Jamie Lee: (02:28)
I am proud, I've been teaching women how to negotiate, advocate and lead for 10 years. And, uh, the webinar I did just the other week for Hearst Health women executives, I think it was one of the best so far. And I I also know we're just getting started. It's just gonna keep getting better. And so I wanna let you know that if you are a part of a women's group, either at your organization or independently, and if you are looking for a dynamic speaker, a dynamic trainer to come and lead an interactive negotiation or self-advocacy training for your women's group, reach out to me, let's make it happen. Email me at jamie@jamieleecoach.com. J a m i e j a m i e l e e c o a c h.com. With that said, I wanna talk to you today about what I walked the Smith alums through, uh, yesterday at Leadership Lab.

Jamie Lee: (03:36)
I taught them five simple communication tips for leading and advocating. And yes, it also applies to negotiation. And I wanna talk to you about these phrases, these key communication tips, and then I wanna give you some examples, uh, and some of the coaching that I gave yesterday to Smith alums. So before I do that, I want to clarify what leadership is because as women, especially as women who are working in male dominated industries, and some of you would be like, Yeah, they're all male dominated. Uh, I tend to work with clients who are working in finance, technology, engineering, life sciences, marketing, and yeah, most of those industries are still male dominated. The, the sea level executives almost always tend to be male and pale. And because of that, we don't see, well, we don't often see women's leadership modeled in a way that we want to emulate.

Jamie Lee: (04:54)
And so of course this can lead to feeling like an imposter or this can feel, this can feel like maybe I'm not cut out to be a leader or maybe leadership isn't what I want. Because leadership that has been modeled to me was never the kind of leadership I want to embody. One of my clients yesterday in a session, she told me one of the key things that she learned in coaching that really, uh, helped her like see herself differently and feel more confident in her career was that she realized that she could be herself, she could be empathetic, she could be kind, she could be relationship oriented, she could be someone who wants to listen and, and focused on developing her, her colleagues, her direct reports, rather than be a kind of leader who is just all type a ruthless and self-centered. And so she, when she realized that she could just be herself and she can be a leader, that was a game changer for her.

Jamie Lee: (06:05)
Having said that, what I wanna share with you is that leadership is a human made construct. We made up this construct of leadership, right? It's a, it's a concept. What that means is that we get to redefine this concept. We get to redefine leadership in our own image. You get to decide what leadership is. And for me, I have decided that I like the definition of leadership that my mentor, Brooke Castillo, Brooke Castillo is the founder of the Life Coach School. I got my coach certification at the Life Coach school and she says that leaders are people who are willing to go first without knowing the how. And I really love that definition. And this is something that I shared with, uh, Smith alums yesterday. What this means is that, yeah, you have a goal, you have a vision of something that you want to achieve, you are encountering a problem and you know that you need to resolve this problem to achieve the goal, but you don't know how.

Jamie Lee: (07:20)
You don't know exactly how. There is no step by step syllabus to figuring this out to getting to the goal, but you're still willing to go first. In other words, you're willing to take action, you're willing to figure it out, you're willing to experiment, you're willing to not be perfect to make mistakes in the journey of figuring out the how. That is the definition of leadership that I like. It takes guts, it takes vulnerability, It takes willingness to show up. And it has nothing to do with how many people report to you. It has nothing to do with what your title is and what your position is. Like. You could be a receptionist, you could be an office manager, and yeah, you are a leader if you are willing to go first, figure out the how. Right? Come up with solutions, make decisions, and you're willing to communicate them, right?

Jamie Lee: (08:25)
So communication is the key practice of leadership because when you come up with potential solutions to figuring out the how after you've made a decision about how to, uh, move forward, even in the face of uncertainty, right? This is the key practice, uh, that is required, uh, in order to activate your leadership. One more thing that I wanna add about leadership, I think really critical to leadership is your willingness to make decisions, right? Taking action is a decision, right? And before that, your willingness to decide for yourself that you are a leader, even if people around you say things like, Oh, well you're not doing this right, or whatever. Even if you don't see, excuse me, if even if you don't see a lot of women or, or people of color or people of your particular identification in leadership role, you get to decide for yourself, You know what?

Jamie Lee: (09:37)
I am a leader cuz I'm showing up and I'm willing to figure out the, how That decision is critical. That decision is the source of your power. And I think this is so important because especially for us as women, we are going to encounter all of the isms we're going to encounter, sexism, racism, ageism, sizeism. Yeah, we're going to encounter the gender wage gap and the, and the gender gap in the C-suite. But we get to decide for ourselves that we are leaders. And I think this is so important to remember. And from that place, you, you get access to your personal power and self confidence. And from that place you utilize these five communication tips. So let me walk you through each of the tips, which I've just put into a simple phrase to help demonstrate the principle that, um, that I'm trying to teach.

Jamie Lee: (10:36)
And you don't have to think about, oh, I have to say it in exactly these words, but I, I just wanna encourage you to think about, okay, what is the underlying principle? Why am I saying this? Uh, so you can change the words, but you are conveying, um, what's at heart, Okay? So number one, number one phrase that I wanna teach you is before you engage in conversation with stakeholders, decision makers, colleagues, direct reports, start with the why. There's a great book called Start With Why by Simon Sinek. And I, I think it's a great strategy for leaders as well. So the phrase is, here's why this matters to us all. Remember that you, your stakeholders, your direct reports, you're all there to work towards the common goal. What is the big picture goal that, that you're all working to achieve? And before you get to, um, you know, speaking about your agenda and talking about all the things that need to get done or hasn't gotten done, right, that's the what always remember to start with the why.

Jamie Lee: (11:54)
And I'm just gonna give you some examples. Maybe you work in data science like some of my clients and you know that you're all there to leverage AI to increase profit margins. Or maybe you are all there to deliver products and services that delight customers. So here's why this matters to us all is, um, a critical communication strategy to ensure that everyone who is engaged in this dialogue is on the same page, right? And even in negotiation, you want to be able to articulate why the value you are bringing matters to us, all matters to the decision maker, the stakeholders, et cetera. I wanna share a quick story, uh, from yesterday's event. One of the smithys came to the coaching session and she asked me, Well, what do you say when your boss is unsupportive and your boss is throwing you under the bus? So I asked her, Well, what is the boss saying?

Jamie Lee: (13:11)
And she says, the boss says things like, Well, nobody needs to know how smart you are. If you are encountering that sort of, that sort of comments, you know, it could be a sign that the boss is insecure. Here's what I did tell her. Well, here's what you can say. You can say to the boss, Yeah, you're right. Nobody needs to know how smart I am. But people in the organization do need to know why my contributions matter because it is driving results, right? So here's just one example of how you can use, here's why this matters to us all. It's not about you. It's not about you looking good. It's not about you trying to look smart. It's about conveying the bigger picture and conveying the connection between what you are doing and why it matters to everyone else. Okay? So let's talk about number two.

Jamie Lee: (14:23)
Number two is here's how this will help us win. And the reason why I'm teaching this phrase is because there will be difficult people, whether that is your boss, like in the previous example, or a colleague and difficult people at work are almost always acting out of fear, of losing, losing their own status. They're afraid of looking bad to other people. Before you start presenting your ideas, before you start giving them an update or, uh, making suggestions or start advocating for what you want, tell them ahead of time, Listen, I'm not here to make you look bad. I'm here to help us achieve win win. So in order to use this phrase effectively, you wanna do some homework ahead of time. Think through what are the benefits? How will this other person, my counterpart, what will they gain from working with me, from collaborating with me?

Jamie Lee: (15:35)
The phrase again is, here's how this will help us win. And my suggestion is, again, before you get to the what of your agenda, tell them, here's how this will help us win. Let me share with you one more story. I had a client who worked, uh, who works in digital banking at a financial institution. She was collaborating with her counterpart, cross-functional partner who was responsible for offline banking. But she noticed that every time she tried to engage in dialogue about resolving issues, this particular client became very defensive. And she didn't know, how do I overcome this? How do I get through to her so that we can work together? And so my suggestion to her was start with why, and then iterate to her, here's how my ideas will help us win. Here's, here's how our collaboration will help you. And when my client did this, she noticed that her colleague immediately relaxed and was able to work with her instead of, uh, shutting down in the conversation.

Jamie Lee: (16:59)
So from there, number three, the phrase I wanna teach you is, would you agree that this adds value? I'll say it one more time. Would you agree that this adds value? And this may be your idea, your suggestion, what you're advocating for, or the value that you're bringing with this phrase, what you are asking is, Hey, are we still on the same page here? Are we on the same page about what's most important and what is creating value? And this phrase is gonna help you to create a buy-in from the other side. This is something that you wanna be asking often and early. And if you're not in agreement, that's okay. You don't have to to be in perfect alignment every single time. But this can be a great opportunity to have a healthy debate or healthy conflict about, okay, where, where are we not in agreement?

Jamie Lee: (17:59)
Let's, let's discuss that so that we can be on the same page and we can move forward. I also teach this phrase as a key negotiation strategy. So let's revisit the number one and number two, here's why this matters to us all. Here's how this will help us win. Think about using those phrases in your self-advocacy when you are negotiating for what you want, right? So you can think about presenting the value you've created thus far and articulating why the value you, you bring helps the company, helps the clients, right? What is the beyond benefit of your contributions? And then you can use, here's how this will help us win. By talking about how ideas that you have for future contribution is going to add even more value, even more benefit to the organization. And then you pause there and then you check in with your boss, say, Hey, would you agree that I'm adding value here?

Jamie Lee: (19:12)
Would you agree that this would add value? I think nine out of 10 times they'll be like, Yes, thank you so much for helping me see your value for, uh, connecting the dot between what you're doing and what we're trying to achieve. This is great. Yes, I agree. And now you're set up for success. Now it's so much easier to ask for what you want. This is something that I touched on the earlier episode, so if you haven't checked them out, please do go back and listen to them. I go into further detail about this in episode two, uh, as well as in episode three, Value articulation clinic, right? You want to be, uh, setting yourself up for negotiation success so that by the time you go to ask for what you want, it's like you've already set up the dominoes and it's, it's just like a satisfying , right?

Jamie Lee: (20:09)
Okay, now we go to number four. Number four, practice saying, I like to ask for this. I like to ask for this specific thing. This is both a leadership skill and a negotiation skill. If you do number one through three really well, you've been set up for framing for the value of your ask. And you wanna make sure that when you say, I like to ask for blank, this blank is something that is smart. In other words, something that is specific, something that is measurable, something that that is attainable, reasonable, and time bound. So let me give you an example. You could say, I'm so glad we're in agreement that I'm bringing value, that this idea is adding value, right? That's from number three. And now number four, I like to ask for additional headcount by the first quarter of 2023 when we have the launch planned.

Jamie Lee: (21:11)
When you are a leader, you have to advocate for yourself. You have to advocate for your team, You have to like make your requests really specific and clear. And this is really powerful because as women, we have been socialized to think that it's not okay for us to own what we want. It's not okay for us to ask from a place of authority. And when we don't think that we can ask from a place of authority, we often find ourselves hemming and hawing not being specific, not being clear, not just owning what we would like. Sometimes we find ourselves asking for permission as opposed to just saying, I like this. I wanna suggest that if you're listening to this and you know that this is, uh, an area in your life where you need, where you can improve, further practice asking for what you want in your personal life, when you go to the restaurant, I like to ask for a better seat In your personal life, in your home life, you know, I have asked my life partner, I like to ask you to buy me flowers.

Jamie Lee: (22:29)
And it's so much fun because now you have the flowers you wanted and both sides are happy. So practice saying, I like to ask for specific thing. The clear you are, the more specific, more measurable, attainable, reasonable timebound it is, the better it is. It'll help your direct reports know exactly what to do, and it's gonna help your supervisor leadership know exactly how they can support you. And if they can't, then we go to number five. Number five phrase is help me understand another. In other words, get curious, not furious. And also help me understand because neither perfection nor omniscience, like you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to know everything to be a leader. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to know everything to be a great leader. What you really need is curiosity and the willingness to listen.

Jamie Lee: (23:36)
As a leader, you wanna be willing to listen to the direct report who's nervously presenting for the first time, and you're just not clear what they're trying to say or something that they're saying isn't making a lot of sense to you. So you can pause them and say, Hey, help me understand. Can you re-explain this? And you also say, Help me understand. To the boss who's referencing an unfamiliar idea, it can be tempting to hide the fact that you're not clear. Because as women, as smart, ambitious women, we have been taught in our education system that we need to be perfect. But this perfectionist fantasy holds us back from being able to engage with authenticity and just asking questions like, help me understand. I'm curious. Yeah. The more curious you are, the more willing you're, uh, to you're more willing. You are to listen and learn, the better leader you become.

Jamie Lee: (24:37)
Okay? Now let's go back to the negotiation example. I was just talking about how you wanna make a very smart, right specific, measurable, attainable, reasonable and timebound request. And yeah, you're not always going to get an immediate yes, most of the time there is going to be some sort of, well, we need to do this, or there could be some pushback. There could be some hemming and hauling on the other side, right? This is normal, this happens. And it can be tempting to shut down because, uh, it can be tempting to internalize, um, a non immediate yes as a personal rejection. But remember, this isn't personal. We're just getting curious because this isn't about you. This isn't about your worth, this is about the value of your contributions and the value you're going to add. So it isn't personal, so you're just gonna get curious.

Jamie Lee: (25:36)
I hear that what I'm asking for isn't doable right now. Okay? Help me understand. When can it be doable? I hear that you don't think I'm ready for a promotion right now. Okay, help me understand what would you need to see from me so that you are convinced I am ready for the promotion? Or what do you think are some measurable, measurable performance goals that I can achieve to demonstrate that I am ready? Just to recap the phrase number one, here's why this matters to us. All phrase number two, here's how this will help us win. Phrase number three. Would you agree that this adds value? Phrase number four, I like to ask for something specific phrase number five, help me understand the Smith Business Network when above and beyond for this event yesterday. And they organized, uh, these five phrases in a beautiful handout, uh, that is available as a downloadable pdf.

Jamie Lee: (26:40)
I'm going to link it in the show notes so that you can download it to, and if you want to be able to lead, advocate, negotiate with confidence and you want support, you are invited to book your free Blueprint to confidence session with me. This is a free consultation. It's a free 60 minute con consultation, uh, where I'm gonna help you understand how you can go from where you are, where you are now to the goals that you want to achieve with confidence. I'm gonna help you understand how you can do it too. So I hope you found this episode useful. I hope you will practice these communication tips and phrases and I would really appreciate it if you would leave a five star review on, on the podcast platform and share this podcast with other women and women leaders that you know who can really benefit from learning these skills. Thank you and I will talk to you soon.